By
William A. Gralnick
Have you noticed that…
a teen answering a question involves saying Yeah/No/I mean all in a row
how many television commentators also answer questions with the same yeah/no/I mean string of words
television commercials are demeaningly dumb and auto insurance commercials are the dumbest
that maybe commercials that have animals talking like people and being displayed in people poses are maybe dumber than the insurance commercials
if you change channels to get the show you want you always get a commercial
the hard-fought-for law that was passed making it illegal for commercials to be louder than the show is never enforced
you didn’t know there was a hard-fought-for law that mandated that the sound tracks on commercials could not be louder than the shows they are on
how often people go left when they put on their right turn signal, or vice versa
emails are like roaches, they are with us forever.
people with pickup trucks that have tow hitches always park front in so the hitch can either damage your car or your shin
when someone asks you how you feel, they don’t really want the answer.
the older you get when someone asks you how you feel, the more you want to tell them—from your top to bottom.
the people who give out visitor passes at hospitals and other institutions type with one finger
your doctors are never on the same floor, so you not only have to remember where they are but what floor they are on
the number of times in an elevator you press the black hard numeral button instead of the one next to it that makes the elevator move
people repeatedly push the elevator call button even though everyone knows once is all that is necessary
the number of times you press “G” instead of “L” because where you came from “G” meant ground floor not garage
motorcyclists on the highway drive so crazily they warrant the signs to watch out for them
the coffee and soda drinks actors carry that are supposed to make you think they’re full don’t because they are empty and are easily seen as such
wishing that all your doctor’s offices had the same prompts so that 1 or 5 meant the same thing and thus spared you from having to listen to “our menu of options has changed” messages
how many hours a week you spend deleting emails
the emails you request never to be sent again seem just to keep on comin’
the fire station lights turn red and traffic has to stop even when the engine has returned and is backing into the firehouse
the birds with the most beautiful songs are unseen because they’re also at the top of the tallest trees
drivers on the highway will cut across two and even three lanes to get off at their intended exit instead of just going up one more exit and turning around
a hesitation or even fear of blowing your horn at someone on the highway, fearing you might get shot at
people will not clean up after their dogs and look you straight in the eye while not doing it
the unfamiliarity some drivers seem to have with turn signals because they either put one on and then turn the other way, forget to turn them off for miles and miles on the highway, or…just do not use them at all.
how close to your car are the cement posts holding keypads at car washes, storage lockers, and such thus greatly raising the possibility of your scraping paint off the side of your car
over time one sock disappears from the laundry but rarely does a pair disappear
there are invariably too many wire hangers in the closet—or not enough, but never the right amount.
when you’ve just had the car washed the street sprinklers are on
how often street sprinklers water cement than grass
when you are driving in a blinding rainstorm some of the car sensors that are supposed to keep you safe stop working
you have an equal chance of hitting the off button on the alarm clock as you do the snooze button
how many customer service reps don’t speak English well enough to service customers
That’s all folks—at least for now.
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